walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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