i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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