I don't usually arrange sex via text message
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
