you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
