Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
