Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
