it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
