Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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