I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
