We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
