I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
