don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
