saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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