Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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