Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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