My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
