Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
