and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
