I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
