I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
