During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
