I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So many bounce houses so little time
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
