I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
