I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
