You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
