I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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