I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
