You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So vagazzling was a success
Randomize
