Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
