Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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