i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
