her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
