u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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