I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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