Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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