Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
