I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
