apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
