I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
