Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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