he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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