I wish I only lived at night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
