I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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