i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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