1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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