I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
