I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
