She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
