sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
