You don't have asthma, your pregnant
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
