Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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